I just read a post on a blog I've been following for a long time now and it kind of opened my eyes.
How hard do we try? This sounds absurd to me, the time and effort we put into trying to be and feel and do and excel. When they say time is a circle, it surely is. We can't do nothing else but stretch our arms in search of something, and when we do have it we want more, we push the boundaries, we expect more from our life, as if someone promised a turn of events every change of season.
We fool ourselves thinking we all just want peace, and joy and love. I bet we do but it's never enough, if it's nice then it could be awesome, why settle for less? I WANT AWESOME!
It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog, I don't really know the real reason. Maybe it's because I wasn't as lonely as before, I didn't need to vent, I didn't think someone was really reading anything I was writing, I felt my writing wasn't as good as others'. But anyways now it's the time to vent on a piece of surrogate paper. What do I wanna say though, do I know it? That's another story.
The first thing to say is that after all this time, the sad periods, the lonely years and the neverending nights crying because I thought I wasn't good for nothing, I have found love. Attention though, that doesn't mean I have found peace or happiness. Sometimes it happens to me to think that I'm just in the right place and feel happy and smiley but I'm victim of my own self. As I said before, we always want more. The moment I'm happy I destroy everything that makes me so. Is this thing that is making me happy going to last? What if it doesn't? And should I worry? Will I ever be happy again? And there it is...my happiness going to pieces. That is dumb. And mean.
Why am I mean to myself? Life is supposed to get better after high school, isn't it? So why am I still victim of myself? I don't understand it, why do I belive I am not worth of attention or affection, consideration, praise, love? I'm almost 27 and I still blame my school mates for making me feel inadequate. But I guess that means I still feel 12 and I haven't evolved. I'm officialy a 27 years old woman (I was about to write girl) with the emotional state of a teenager. That stings.
My girlfriend says to me that she comes too early in my life. I am too immature to understand love as she means it. Look how strange life is, I passed all my childhood and most of my teen years with adults because kids didn't like me much and listening to all those adults I came to ear that I was too mature for my age and that wasn't right. I used to write introspective poetry at 10. And now I can't help but laugh and cry when I watch Disney's movies or think about stuff from my childhood and say to myself that I would go back in a heartbeat.
I guess I'm just getting old, 30 is close and I am still nobody. I don't know myself and that is the worst disappointment ever.
Someone once asked me what was my favorite quote: "You will judge yourself" said the king. It's the most difficult thing. It's even more difficult than to judge other people. If you will judge yourself well it would mean you can really call yourself wise." I always seemed to be at ease at judging people, looking and speaking without really knowing, thinking that anyway they were doing the same with me. But how wrong I was, and I wrong I still am. Wanting to be wise while still being a child. How I would love to say I understand people and mean it. But my saying that is a cry for help, is saying that I am going to try and see if I understand you by listening and reading and looking and then, once all of that is done, I'm going to sting you with my judgment. And it will be subtle and kind most of the time. But that is a trick, don't let me fool you. All I want is for you to see me.
See me because I see you, or at least I try to make you think I really see you while the cold sad reality is that I don't even see myself.
